i had another flying dream last night

SPIRIT HAS NO SHAME.

2012-02-01T12:08:00.002-05:00

It's very easy to feel misunderstood for choosing to not eat meat or consume other animal products. Sometimes it can feel like a very lonely thing to do, when you are surrounded by loved ones who are making the opposite choice. So it helped me last night, when I was looking up a quotation by Leonardo DaVinci, to read more quotations on the subject from people throughout history who have been strong enough to have convictions about animal rights.

"I have from an early age abjured the use of meat, and the time will come when men such as I will look on the murder of animals as they now look on the murder of men." -Leonardo da Vinci

"Our task must be to free ourselves . . . by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty."
"Nothing will benefit human health and increase chances of survival for life on earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet."
-Albert Einstein

"You have just dined, and however scrupulously the slaughterhouse is concealed in the graceful distance of miles, there is complicity."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"I do not like eating meat because I have seen lambs and pigs killed. I saw and felt their pain. They felt the approaching death. I could not bear it. I cried like a child. I ran up a hill and could not breathe. I felt that I was choking. I felt the death of the lamb."
-Vaslav Nijinsky, husband

"My situation is a solemn one. Life is offered to me on condition of eating beefsteaks. But death is better than cannibalism. My will contains directions for my funeral, which will be followed not by mourning coaches, but by oxen, sheep, flocks of poultry, and a small traveling aquarium of live fish, all wearing white scarfs in honor of the man who perished rather than eat his fellow creatures."
"A man of my spiritual intensity does not eat corpses."
-George Bernard Shaw

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated."
"To my mind, the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being. I should be unwilling to take the life of a lamb for the sake of the human body."
-Mahatma Gandhi

George Bernard Shaw was really afraid to say what he thought, huh? I often feel the need to be very meek about this choice, because I'm so often met with disdain and defensive behavior, and I don't want to fight with anyone. But I'm proud of the connection I feel to all animals. Not just to cats and dogs, but to cows and pigs. I love all animals, and I don't want to cause them any suffering. I feel this when I'm cuddling with my beautiful cats, and I feel it when I see cows grazing. I believe humans are no more deserving to live on this planet than other animals, and I think that's a beautiful philosophy. I was so happy to read that quotation by Gandhi. I feel the same way! I don't think the life of a lamb, or a calf, or a pig is less precious than my own. This is an important part of who I am as a human being. It's a true passion of mine, and I want to be strong and unashamed about that.

KALEIDOSCOPE.

2012-01-30T18:02:00.000-05:00

My sister-in-law got me the coolest kaleidoscope accessory for my phone camera. It's a tiny little charm with removable sticky gel that you can adhere to the tiny camera on your phone. I love it. It works on the laptop camera, too, which is what I used to take the above photos. I also love that Nami decided to join in on the self-portrait fun. She just walked on up and laid herself down on me like that. She knows what's up.

YOU'LL COME BACK SOMEDAY.

2012-01-24T11:18:00.001-05:00

This song really makes me wish it was summer and I was blasting it in a car with all the windows down. It reminds me so much of the music I loved in middle school but new and improved. I could dig Sleigh Bells' first album, but this is really my jam. I use truly cutting edge slang.

Get More: Sleigh Bells, Comeback Kid, Music, More Music Videos

NECESSARY SENTIMENT.

2012-01-14T17:11:00.001-05:00

These videos have been all over my google reader recently, so it's kind of silly for me to be posting them here, but I'm just really inspired by her collections of mementos, especially in part three.

So much of what I do these days is digital, and believe me, I love to scour online collections, but I've always loved looking through an actual photo album so much more. My collage books are so special to me because they're these physical records of certain periods in my life when I kept most of my written documentation on computers. The first one began while I lived in Carrboro, and I finished it before I moved to Portland, where I completed my second one. The third began when I moved in with Justin and Nicole in Brooklyn, and I finished it while we were still living in Chicago together. I've scanned some of the pages from them to my flickr, but they're really made to be held and have their pages turned. I've kept so many old letters that I could easily just scan and toss out to be recycled, but there's real magic in them that would be lost if I did that. I have notes from my mom and dad that would be sweet to read on my computer screen, but I can hold them and know that they held them, too, and that's a connection I don't want to lose, even if it means lugging around seemingly superfluous boxes with me everywhere I go. It's such a fun way to share your favorite memories with friends, too. The image of sitting by a window with a friend and looking through old albums and shoeboxes of letters is so romantic.
I'd love to have videos like this of me and my friends sharing our homes and collections.

TOGETHER FOREVER.

2012-01-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

In the midst of missing everyone and everything all the time, I'm constantly reminded that there's one person who's always gonna be by my side, and he's my favorite person. Of course, I miss him while he's at work, but that's manageable. And good news! He's going to be taking a week-long vacation starting when he gets home tomorrow night! I'm so excited, I can hardly wait. I can't remember the last time we spent that long uniterrupted together. We've got some plans for projects, but mostly I'm looking forward to having his rad vibes around me 24/7.

HIGHER AND HIGHER.

2011-12-30T19:43:00.000-05:00

I made a quick playlist of some songs I jammed on this year, in order from January to December. It's fun to listen to the vibe change. I'm sure I forgot something important, but I think this is a pretty fair representation, complete with the self-portrait I loved the most.

I can hardly believe 2011 is almost over. I know everyone says that, but I've accepted that we're all exactly alike. I guess I accepted that long ago when Grant Morrison told me about his trip to Alpha Centauri. Why kid ourselves that we're set apart and so different and unique? I mean we are. But we aren't. It is AND it isn't. Wow, Charlotte, you are ready to be taught the New Way.

This year, I got to see that movie in the theater with a Q&A by David Wain afterwards. Zero and I were even able to walk to the theater from our apartment, which is awesome. I made it through an entire Chicago winter with the third largest single snowfall in their recorded history. Nicole and I had success with our etsy shop. I was taught how to do transcendental meditation, and it changed my life. My roomies and I watched a million movies and had a million laughs. I got to witness my little brother slay school and get a bangin' job. I wrote new songs that I love. Nicole and I took a girls' trip to Portland and stayed for a week with our darling Dan while we partied all day and night with so many great friends. Justin and I took a siblings' trip down to North Carolina for ten days, and I got to swim in the ocean with my nieces. Zero and I finally had our honeymoon in the cutest B&B and got to bliss out for three days. Three of our dear friends visited for a beautiful wedding and spent five days turning our apartment into the comfiest slumber party. I made new friends, and I finished my third collage book. My family gave me a surprise trip home for my birthday and all came together to celebrate with me at the roller skating rink. My darling friend Alison brought me together with two sister kittens who I love so dearly and have made my life so much happier, and I even got to go to New York and spend a few days with friends and family before bringing my little sweethearts home. I drove to North Carolina by myself, pushing past my own insecurities and fears to prove I'm stronger than I think sometimes, and spent Christmas with (most of) my family. Now I'm home again, looking forward to New Year's Eve and Day with my beloved Zero and our precious Nami and Lita. (By the way, Justin sent me the first SEVEN volumes of Battle Angel Alita!!)

So yeah, despite some rough times, some sad goodbyes, and enough tears to make me consider bottling them (like the self-obsessed weirdo I am), this year has been pretty amazing. In 2012, I hope to move somewhere more comfortable; a place closer to family and with more room for activity and growth. My only personal resolution is to take better care of my health: exercise every day, even if it's just light stretching, get a juicer and drink more juice, meditate more regularly, floss, take supplements. I have other goals for the year, but my resolution is very important and something I really want to give my focus. This is my last year in my 20s (though age ain't nothin but a number) and I want to use it to instill good healthy habits. I think the rest will follow.

I'D LIKE THAT.

2011-12-17T16:58:00.007-05:00

Chrimbus time is upon us, and I'm wondering, what am I gonna get?

1. Swan Lake and The Planets on vinyl.

I'm trying to read more, and music with lyrics always distracts me. Classical is perfect, and these are two of my favorites (everyone's favorites).

2. A bangin' juicer.

3. The Zoom R8. I need a better recording system- one more like I used when I was recording all the time. I prefer hardware.

4. Books on cetaceans and botany.

5. A cat condo. They'd love it! A present for them is a present for me.

WHEREVER I GO.

2011-12-14T16:34:00.004-05:00

I miss being outdoors. I watched a movie this morning as the rain was coming down and Alita slept in my arms, and there were the most beautiful shots of cliffs and green rolling hills and the ocean, all usually beneath an overcast sky. It was gorgeous, and it made me long to be beside the ocean or surrounded by trees.
My greatest dream these days is to own land with my loved ones and live a simple life there. Grow a beautiful garden, build a greenhouse, maybe even have some goats. I want to be closer to nature. My Christmas wishlist includes a serious juicer and books on plants and animals. I practically always have a screen in front of me, and I feel the toll it's taking on me. Even though I meditate regularly and eat pretty well, I feel I'm still far from the kind of peace I want to experience. It's the kind of peace you really only get from being immersed in nature.
I've been watching a lot of health-related documentaries lately, and they all discuss the human's destruction of the planet, and thus, ourselves, and it makes me feel like I have to do something to get closer to the planet and all its creatures that I love so passionately. I don't think I'd be plagued with anxiety about death so much if I spent more time outdoors. It's hard to feel that way knowing I'm just now getting into another Chicago winter and won't want to step foot outside until it's over, but it's good to keep in mind for our next move. And it helps even to just daydream about it. Just saying it could even make it happen.

All photos by me (except the one of me in the tree, which was taken by my dear friend, Dan) from the Pacific Coast, Emerald Isle, Virginia Beach, Portland and Nepal.

PREVIEW.

2011-12-10T21:40:00.000-05:00

video by me, music by zero

CHARMED.

2011-12-08T15:29:00.005-05:00

It happened. The stars aligned, and now Zero and I have two KITTENS!!

Alita is named for this manga, which I've heard Marcus and Justin talk about so much that I feel as though I've read it, but alas, I have not. Her full name is Battle Angel Alita, because she has real warrior style. She's very sweet, but she seems to enjoy a bit of solitude, and she also handles tough situations incredibly well.

Ayanami is named for Ayanami Rei (or Rei Ayanami, depending) from the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion, one of my favorite works of art ever. We call her Nami most of the time, which just sounds so cute, and is so fitting, because she's a real cuddler and starts purring hard the second you touch her.

I never thought Zero and I would have even one kitten, let alone two! We were in talks to adopt a cat after Christmas, and that seemed like a reasonable plan. But a twist of fate changed everything.

Our dear friend, Alison, rescued two tiny kittens from a farm in Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving. The story is very intense, and I recommend reading about it here, on Alison's blog (she also has more suuuuper cute photos). What started as a kind of dreamy this-won't-ever-really-happen longing for them turned into serious discussions, and just a week later, I was on a plane to New York to meet my new family members.

I spent four days and three nights in Brooklyn getting to know them and getting to hang out with many people and animals I love dearly. Justin, Nicole, and Icarus came to town, and I got to sleep in Icky's bony embrace every night, which is always the very best. Samantha was also visiting from Australia (!), and she and Kiersten spent a couple days with us, which was so awesome. And of course, Alison and Kyler were such excellent hosts and are so dear to my heart, and I fell more in love with Betel and Lola and finally got to meet the incredible Lulu. It was so special having that whole crew get to spend time with the kittens, too. My heart explodes knowing that Ayanami and Alita have met Icarus. Justin took this video before I arrived, and it kills me:

I am totally in love. And I'm so happy they're together. They wrestle and chase each other around all the time, and it is terribly cute and highly entertaining, but more importantly makes them happier kittens. I am eternally grateful to Alison for bringing them into my life and helping make it possible for me and Zero to give them a new home. Zero adores them. I love seeing his face light up at the sight of them, and those moments when they're both cuddling up in his lap are enough to make me forget all my darkness and just totally bliss out, and a girl like me needs that. Life is so intense, and it's only getting more intense, and I'm in my head so much that I'm often going down dark roads. The responsibility of two tiny lives can also overwhelm, but then they stick their sweet little faces all up in my face and I feel all my worries disappear. It's a life-changer after nine years of only ourselves to look after, and I'm so grateful. It's destiny.

RUM TUM.

2011-12-07T14:02:00.003-05:00

It was brought to my attention that I forgot to include a very special cat on my list of feline friends, and I'm so disappointed in myself. Not that I expect you to believe me, but I had a feeling I was forgetting someone. I just had no idea it was such an important someone. So I'm giving her her own post.

Rum Tum came to live with my family after Marcus rescued her during the winter in Ohio after hearing her meowing outside his window. She was pregnant at the time and so young that the vets didn't think she'd survive the birth, so they performed an abortion. INTENSE. He brought her to our house in Virginia Beach, and she grew up there to be one of the sweetest (maybe even the very sweetest) cats I've ever known. She also became very fat. My mom was not afraid to overfeed every animal we ever had, yikes, and of course Rum Tum's past made her eat everything she was served. Her breath was the worst ever, which made her habit of licking your skin like a dog an incredibly gross event, although I loved it, because what cat does that?? She would lie around the house totally splayed out all the time and loved having her belly rubbed. What a special creature. We got her only a couple years before I graduated high school, so I didn't get to spend much time with her, and she got outside one day and never returned. My mom and I put up posters everywhere in our neighborhood. I remember she was so upset. Our hope is that someone found Rum Tum and just decided to keep her because she was so sweet.

RAINBOW ROAD.

2011-11-29T23:21:00.004-05:00

Well, this is what I'm up to these days! That and watching mice dart across my floor and countertops like they own the place. J/K, they're actually SO cute and probably as freaked out as I am about this wacky world. Every time I see one, I have a heart attack and want to run away and never return, but then as soon as they go back into hiding, I'm like, "Aw, that poor little mouse. It was so tiny!" It's a real roller coaster ride. Zero and I are trying many different methods to keep them away, but we haven't found one that works consistently yet.

When I'm not keeping my eye on the kitchen in a paranoid obsession, I'm doing lots of silly stuff with my image, because why not? My hope is to make a music video out of all the gifs- I just have to make a recording I truly like, and that's proving harder than it used to be. My standards have changed. I've changed, I guess. Now I just need my apartment to change. Only five more months! I can make it.

GRACE.

2011-11-24T17:12:00.003-05:00

I miss you, Mom. I know you were fucked up. But aren't we all? Isn't it all a matter of how lucky we are in the process of getting fucked up? I was lucky enough to meet amazing- and i mean AMAZING - people in the process (you know who you are) who helped me become someone I'm happy to be, even in my unhappiest moments. I'd always rather live than die. No matter how easy a solution death may seem. I'd rather work hard forever trying than die without trying at all. You kind of tried. I know maybe more support might have helped. So today, I am grateful for the support I have. And I mean it when I say you know who you are. You know, because I've told you. Because I love you so much that I've practically fawned over your entire existence, and I will until the day I die (from causes outside of my control, because I'm going down Final Destination style). Thank you for being real, for being willing to tell me you love me, for fighting for this fragile, complicated life. Thank you. Thank you for showing me that it's not just luck. It's being strong enough to show that you're okay being vulnerable. You're okay being sensitive and getting hurt. You'll get hurt, and you'll want to live anyway.

MEOW.

2011-11-21T14:27:00.003-05:00

I've been pretty sure we had mice in the apartment since I heard rustling in our cabinets beneath the sink soon after we moved in. But I assumed the little critters would keep to that area. Well, last night, one brave little brown mouse ventured out past our stove into the kitchen. Zero and I handled it perfectly, don't worry. We both froze and hoped it would just go away, which it did, and then we yelled at each other trying to decide what to do to keep it from coming back. I saw it pop its little head out again, and then we blocked up the hole and finally went to sleep. I had terrible stress dreams all night about it, though, seriously. I think mice are totally cute! And I know they mean me no harm. It's the element of surprise that puts me on edge. They're wild creatures, and one could just dart across the floor or crawl on me in my sleep, and that is horrifying. Especially in a place this small. Our bed is literally six feet away from the kitchen. Naturally, I want a cat more than ever.

It's been a long time since I lived with a cat. My first pet was a kitten. I picked her out from a litter some family friends had before my 7th birthday. She came with the name Wisely, and we kept that name for her, but I always just called her Kitty. My brothers and I developed a weird language we'd talk to her in, which we did with many of our pets, and we joked about her being a secret warrior. She was super sweet and cuddly as a kitten, but she became pretty skittish in her formative years. She was the kind of cat who would let you pet her, purring the whole time, then suddenly latch on to your arm, biting and scratching before tearing off to hide somewhere. I loved her completely. She chilled out once she got older and was more into cuddling. She lived to be 16 years old, and she never had any health problems, dying peacefully in her sleep lying underneath a chair in our living room.

When I first moved out on my own, a neighborhood stray started living with me and my friends. I called him Kizzy, and my friend Rob called him Mr. Buckles. He was a beautiful gray cat. One night, we arrived home and found him with his jaw broken and eye bleeding. It was horrible. We think he was probably hit by a car. He recovered, though, and went to live with Rob's parents when we all moved on from that apartment.

Ava came to live with my friends and me in Chapel Hill when Kyler's parents found her in their yard in Pennsylvania. Although she was really Kyler's cat, I bonded with her completely. We watched her grow up, and she was so beautiful. She slept beside me many nights and would let me cuddle with her all the time. I still regret leaving her when I moved to Portland. But Kyler took care of her, and eventually gave her back to his parents. She was an outdoor cat and disappeared one day. It breaks my heart to think of it. I miss her.

Zero and I only lived with Alison for four months, and I spent most of that time in North Carolina, but when I was in Baltimore, I loved getting to spend time with her cats, Lola and Kitty aka the Duchess. They would often both come sleep on our bed in the morning, and Kitty especially would come in for the cuddlefest. My favorite kind of cat is a cuddler, just in case that wasn't glaringly obvious by now. I loved them both dearly, though they too were not my own. Kitty has since left this world, another heartbreaker. But Lola's still around being as cute as ever, and I'm always happy to see her.

Oh my gosh, looking at all these photos of cat loves past is making me want to cry! I really want a cat of my own again. A little cuddler to snuggle up close while I read. Our apartment is not really cat-proof, though. We have a million cords waiting to be chewed and nice clothes waiting to be peed on and clawed. And I'm kind of a failure as an adult, but I'm trying to improve. I helped raise a little puppy, and that's way harder than taking care of a cat. I'm worried about moving with a cat, since I know we won't stay in Chicago for long. And of course the thought of having a sweet little heart be dependent on me is kind of terrifying. There are plenty of what-ifs to keep me up all night with worry. But I know I shouldn't let my fears keep me from the joys of having a cat in my life. So should I throw caution to the wind and go for it? I know there's a little mouse around here that needs some feline influence, at the very least.

CONSCIOUSNESS.

2011-11-11T17:31:00.009-05:00

I've fallen back in love with dolphins and whales. Not that I ever fell out of love. I guess it's more that I've reconnected with them. When I was a child, I had a very strong emotional connection to cetaceans. I collected dolphin figurines and posters and did a project once where I pretended to be a dolphin being interviewed. I "adopted" a humpback whale named Stub. Seriously, his name was Stub, because his tail was deformed. I picked him out for that reason.
I recently saw an episode of "I Survived" that included a surfer's tale of being attacked by a great white shark. He'd been whipped around in the shark's mouth and then let go briefly, at which point he says a pod of dolphins began to swim around him, jumping over him and slapping the water so he could swim to safety. It's such an amazing story, and it reignited this passion inside of me for marine mammals. Since then, I've begun to consider going to school to study marine mammals, because I love them so much. They're magical. They're sentient beings living in the mysterious world of the ocean! I mean, you know how I feel about the ocean. I start feeling inspired just thinking about it.

So I finally made myself watch The Cove, which, in case you don't know, is the film that won the Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature in 2010 for so beautifully telling the story of our culture's relationship with dolphins and one man's crusade to stop the slaughter of 23,000 dolphins every year in a small cove in Taiji, Japan. I'd been avoiding it because I knew that seeing the footage of the dolphins being killed would make me want to die. It did. Thankfully the courage and compassion of the people involved in collecting that footage helped me get through it. There are some truly amazing people in this world. People who feel the same way I do about beautiful creatures that deserve to live free.

I've had a plaque with a painting of dolphins swimming in outer space since I lived in Portland. I had to get it as soon as I saw it, and I've kept it with me through so many moves since. Of course it's funny because it's so ridiculous, but on the other hand, it's seriously beautiful imagery. In The Cove, they of course discuss how incredibly intelligent dolphins are, and how strange it is that so many people are obsessed with finding intelligent life in outer space when we have it in the oceans. I would love a head full of cetology. And a tattoo of dolphins in outer space. No joke. I think I've kept that plaque for so long not just for its aesthetic appeal but because it's a symbol of a love I have that is very real.

WE'LL BE YOUNG FOREVER.

2011-11-04T13:29:00.006-04:00

November 1st marked mine and Zero's tenth anniversary. I put on some vanilla lip balm and was transported back to our first week together. Lots of making out! I think I feel on the verge of tears all the time because I am in love all the time! Zero is my dream come true. He's all I wanted. I've been in love with love since I was a child, and my understanding of what love is just kept growing, and it keeps growing every day I spend with Zero.
Today we've been listening to this song on repeat:

Put away (up your butt) all your judgements and too-cool 'tudes, okay? This song is the essence of true love. There are people in this world who can make you feel young forever. This is real. Getting older is scary, and we can't really stop our bodies from falling apart, but if you are lucky enough to be in love with someone, you are lucky enough to feel the power of youth any time you want. Honestly, this song is so earnest and sweet and nostalgic and just how it is to be in love.
I can't believe we got to roller skate to this song just a week ago!!

I'm in love with a monster, and it's hilarious! And I'm a monster too! No regrets, just love.

(P.S. I did in fact wear a camo shirt with a fuzzy leopard print skirt, channeling my best Rayanne. And Zero loved it, because he's the coolest.)

HALLOWEEN PARTY MASSACRE 2000.

2011-10-22T19:20:00.008-04:00

I made a playlist on 8tracks in honor of the season.

It is so named because it brings to mind creepsters, sexy kittens, ghosts, monsters, axe-murderers, high school sweethearts, suicide pacts, french kissing, satanic rituals, hot babes, and prom night. It's the soundtrack to the LONGEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE. Will you make it out alive? I'm not sure you'll even make it past Ace of Base.
Between that and watching old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I'm "felling Halloweeny".

Alien style.

RHUBARB.

2011-10-17T19:59:00.003-04:00

This song by Aphex Twin is so intense it makes me feel like crying. And somebody put it to a video of blurry flowers and bees.

Isn't is beautiful?? It reminds me of Twin Peaks and Blue Velvet and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and all sorts of terribly sad and beautiful things. Thank you, internet, for bringing us all together.

And here's a beautiful space video to my favorite Aphex Twin track, Xtal.

I GUESS I'M DREAMING AGAIN.

2011-10-11T17:38:00.006-04:00

A list of unrelated things:
++Why do I feel the need to apologize for self portraits? I love other people's self portraits. I wish every blog I read was filled with self portraits of the writer. Do I? Yes.
++Today I listened to crushcrushcrush on headphones, and I could not believe my ears. The love I felt was so pure and true. I made a Paramore playlist (I don't like all of their songs, but the ones I do like I love) and sang along and danced around my room and it felt like riding a roller coaster it was so fun. Why haven't I been doing that every day? I guess it's the kind of thing you can't force, but I do think it's the kind of thing you can nudge.
++My birthday is at the end of the month. Getting older is sort of freaky sometimes, but when I think back to being a teenager, I laugh a lot, and I realize how much I've grown, and I'm grateful to have had the time to grow. I'm better at not letting the evil that lies within get the best of me, that's for sure. I think growing requires recognizing new things. Sometimes that means recognizing something terrible. But that's cool. Everyone knows you have to confront your demons and slay or be slain. AND DON'T THINK YOU DON'T HAVE DEMONS. :)
++Today I had my hair up and when I let it down, I unleashed something powerful. I'm like Samson. I don't want to ever cut my hair again. The Bible is crazy!

FAMILY.

2011-09-26T20:50:00.000-04:00

Justin just said, "You know what's good about us living apart?" Then he held up one finger. "Living in the same city again one day." Then he held up another finger and said, "Living in a bigger house together." And then I cried.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

2011-09-14T20:00:00.002-04:00

fall fall fall fall fall fall fall fall fall fall fall fall fall

COOLER.

2011-09-09T00:16:00.006-04:00

Every morning, I wake up from the most insanely vivid adventure dreams and have no idea what day it is or if I have to go to work or not or what my alarm even is. I think this is a real sign that it's a good thing I've put in my notice at work. I need my adventures to be happening in my waking life more than in my dreams.

Fall is my favorite time of the year by far. I loooove the summer, and that's how I know fall is my favorite. Because the moment I start feeling that chill in the air, I get so excited that even the sadness of lazy summer ending can't compete. Even though fall marks the beginning of the end in many ways, it also just marks the beginning of so many things. I always got excited to start school in the fall, no matter how stupid I thought it was. I fell in love for the first time in the fall. For the second time too. I love wearing jeans and sweaters and jackets and tights and boots. I love drinking hot tea in a cold breeze. I love the imminence of Halloween. Music even gets better in the fall. My ears turn from wanting just a fat beat and a posi feeling to wanting heavy guitars and lots and lots of emotion.

A lot of transitions are happening this fall, too. Aside from quitting the job I've had for a year, Zero and I are going to be living on our own for the first time in three years. !!! I'm really excited about it. I can't wait to show you photos of our place. Please feel free to start sending me posters now. I need lots of posters. Anything fantasy-related, good bands, cute boys, hot girls, you know the deal.

Also, while we're on the subject of gifts, I need these Christopher Pike books with the original covers, stat:
Gimme A Kiss, Fall Into Darkness, Witch, Road to Nowhere, Chain Letter, Chain Letter 2, Weekend, Slumber Party, Remember Me, Monster, Last Act, Spellbound
Thanks!

SILVER SOUL.

2011-08-23T19:46:00.003-04:00

we gather matters of the heart
so we can act a fool
it's incomplete without you
the silver soul is running through
it's a vision
complete illusion yea
it is happening again
it is happening again
the needle on the spinning wheel
collecting silver coil
it gathers heat without you
whether or not you're turned from it
it's a quick turn
to let us in yea
it is happening again
it is happening again
the bodies lying in the sand
they're moving in the dark
it is so quick to let us in
feel it moving through our skin
it's a sickness
infinite quickness yea
it is happening again
it is happening again

-beach house

ANY WAY YOU RUN, YOU RUN BEFORE US.

2011-08-15T21:16:00.008-04:00

In happier news, I fiiiiinally got these two albums on vinyl:

++++++Deerhunter-Halcyon Digest & Beach House-Teen Dream++++++++
I've been wanting them since they came out but they just kept falling to the wayside. It's for the best though because boy do I need these both right now more than ever! Could there be a more perfect soundtrack to my heartbreak than these two total heartbreakers? Sometimes the universe just gets it.

Of course "Zebra" makes me imagine Icarus and all the wild beautiful creatures that I honor and respect and adore.

EVERYTHING EVENTUALLY.

2011-08-15T20:29:00.004-04:00

We're moving soon, and whether it's to another apartment in Chicago or to another city entirely, Zero and I will be living on our own again. I've been having fairly regular breakdowns for the past week as the first goodbye's approach came on quick (Nicole is leaving on the 24th), and the reality of the pack breaking up hit me hard. We all know how emotional I am on the regular, but with a full moon and Mercury in retrograde, I spent an entire morning crying over thoughts of parting ways with Justin and Nicole, and, especially, Icarus. I can take solace in the fact that it's very easy to stay in touch with other humans these days, and that lessens the pain of moving away from Justin and Nicole. I know we'll talk to each other regularly. Icarus won't be using the internet, however. My contact with him will be non-existent except on holidays, unless we end up living close enough to allow for more frequent visits. When I think about how I was there when Justin brought him home from Pennsylvania, and how I walked him on Flushing Ave. when he was just a tiny puppy, and our big fight when I proved once and for all to him that I was the bigger dog, and all of our epic snuggles, and all of the times he kept me taking photos with his cuteness and creaturing, and how we're always excited to see each other when I get home from work, and his beautiful sweet face, well I wanna die. I had a lot of pets growing up, and I've had to say goodbye to all of them eventually, and it's been terribly sad, but with Icarus, I just feel crushed. Completely heartbroken. Something about the end of this era is just devastating, even if it's what needs to happen.
Could you spend two years with this precious soul and not want to die when it came time to say goodbye?

JUST KILL ME!!!!!! Seriously, I can not bear it. I could collect 200 gallons of tears in the next six weeks.

ESCAPE MON.

2011-08-09T22:38:00.009-04:00

I am so bad at the internet these days it's not even funny. It might have a lot to do with the fact that I retired my computer, and I don't want to hog Zero's, and I can only do so much on my phone. My computer could come out of retirement if I buy a new charger, I suppose, and maybe it will one of these days, but it was just so old that I want to let it rest for a long time at least, though I'm not saying it's dead. Until I resurrect it, I have to wait until I have some real time off to myself to go through the over 300 posts on Stereogum that inevitably build up, and luckily, I've had such a time tonight to go through some (although I'm still looking at over 200 remaining), and oh my gosh, there are so many amazing things being made out there!!
Look at these photos of Frances Bean Cobain.

Holy shit. The world is overpopulated and all, but some people need to have kids just to give us the intensity that a child of theirs is destined to be. What if Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were your parents? (Also, wow, commenters on that post. You all really have some seriously specific opinions in answer to that question, most hilariously notable being that if they were your parents, you certainly shouldn't have tattoos or look sad in photos. I didn't know that the Confused Grandmas of America were reading Stereogum. They are.)

There's an awesome interview with David Lynch. Some of my favorite parts:
STEREOGUM: How is the process of making music for you? Do you have a particular way of working?

DAVID LYNCH: Yeah. Generally speaking, it starts with a jam, and lately it’s been me on guitar and Dean on drums, but Dean also plays bass and he plays keyboards. So, it starts with a jam and what is known for everybody in music, if you have a certain sound, and you have a certain beat, it just means a certain thing has got to come out. It’s just the strangest thing. So out of a jam, you find a thing and then that thing either is the thing or it starts leading to the thing. It’s a magical, magical process and so rewarding, so much fun, but that’s how it goes.
DAVID LYNCH: I always say that ideas … everything starts with an idea, but in music, with a jam for instance, if you set it up … like we’ll find chords and a certain tempo and say, “Okay, this is what we’re going to work with.” Once it starts going, then I say, it’s kind of like action and reaction or a flow of ideas. Because it’s happening, it’s talking to you, and you’re acting and reacting to whatever’s happening and it’s a beautiful and magical thing. Suddenly, you’ll get an idea to do something that you never thought you’d do, so it’s setting things up for discovery I guess.

And then there's this trailer for the new Cameron Crowe documentary about Pearl Jam that apparently David Lynch was also involved in??

Pearl Jam Twenty from Pearl Jam on Vimeo.

Eddie Vedder was my first love. One day I'll find the diary entries to prove it and scan them for you. And the albums Ten and Vs (but especially Ten) are dear to my heart for all time, as I'm sure anyone who's read this blog before knows. I can't wait to see this.

Speaking of diaries, I need to start keeping one again. A real diary. I might feel like I'm all grown up (I don't) but you know that so much of the shit I think and feel now is probably gonna be hilariously precious when I'm even older. I should record in writing all of my crushes and dreams and desires in a totally crazed scrawl with the strong belief that no one will ever ever see it because that is just forbidden.

I need to do a lot of things that require more solitude. I watched a stylelikeu video on Larkin Grimm, and she said something that really resonated with me: "As an artist, you definitely have to be alone a lot. The danger of being alone is that there's nobody around to cheer you up when you get going down a dark path in your mind. Definitely I wouldn't be able to make the sacrifices necessary to be an artist if it didn't make me happy in the end." I think there are all kinds of artists so that generalization doesn't really hold up, but I am certainly the kind that needs to be alone. Zero might be the one person who I could be alone with together. Meaning we could be doing totally separate things and I could still feel the quality of solitude, but I'd still need some space now and then even from him... maybe... sometimes I wish he and I were siamese twins.

Anyway, I do think that socializing is very comforting, and I would never want to become someone who rejects love and friends; I know that my mom had a self-destructive tendency to do that, so I'm especially aware of it, but she also didn't believe she was an artist. She would in fact talk about what she couldn't do more than what she could do, and that was a bigger problem than all the time she spent alone. I know that I won't go down the same road she did, because I am so fortunate to have such a strong circle of friends, but more importantly because I am willing- and in fact I desire to reach out to the world. Perhaps the starkest contrast between my mom and me is that I want to also reach inside and know myself and actually totally let go of myself so I can experience transcendence, so that I can experience what it is to be boundless rather than trapped inside who I think I am and who I appear to be to everyone else. And I'm not afraid of facing my flaws and my mistakes. I'm not afraid to confront all the sadness and horrible terror that exists in the world and inside me.
Sometimes you need to go down a dark path in order to grow and evolve, but that means not letting the darkness overcome you, and that's why art is so important. I think great artists are able to embrace the darkness and make something beautiful from it. Without that, I know that at least I, like my mother before me, would probably crumble beneath the weight of the horror of life.

I'm sorry, I meant "the humor" of life. ;)

SET ADRIFT ON MEMORY BLISS.

2011-07-22T18:30:00.006-04:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted anything here. Life, am I right? But seriously, a lot's been happening. Most recently, Zero and I had a little honeymoon! My family gave us the gift of a two night stay at Ray's Bucktown B&B along with a Visa gift card and a Chicago Diner gift card. We stayed in the Da Vinci Room, and I miss it already. At first I was worried we wouldn't be able to enjoy a hot bath in the amazing bathroom since it was a million degrees the past few days, but then I realized that we could treat it like a little pool and chill in the cool water, and it was the best. So relaxing and comfy.

(haha, he really doesn't want me to share this photo, but it's so dreamy!)

We ate so much delicious food, drank the bottle of wine that our friend Kiersten bought for us as a wedding gift a year ago (we've been saving it for this very occasion), watched Lil Wayne's Behind the Music, went to the movies to see Super 8, and just enjoyed each other's company for three days (today's the third day, so we're still starry-eyed). I don't think we've had that much time to just be alone with each other since we moved to Chicago, so I'm incredibly thankful. I love Zero so much. He's the love of my life, and we're really just two peas in a pod. It was really great to have a getaway with just the two of us. Thank you to all the sweethearts who helped make it possible for us!

And can you believe this incredible cloud that appeared yesterday evening?

This year marks our 10th anniversary of choosing one another (November 1st) and our one-year anniversary of being married (July 29th). Here's to forever.

ROSE CITY.

2011-05-16T10:07:00.004-04:00

Zero and I drove across the country to move to Portland in July of 2007. We lived there until October of 2008 in a tiny little studio apartment on Hawthorne, with big windows overlooking the city. For a few months, we had a practice space with all our music equipment where we could play super loud. I got my electric guitar while living in Portland. I recorded my first EP. I started Gets Galore since I didn't have a job, and most of my best work on that blog was done during that time. Portland is so scenic and beautiful. Gazing out of our windows was always inspiring. It's unfortunate I couldn't find a job there, and I learned how quickly one can run out of money, but it turned out to be for the very best that we moved back east at the time.
I've missed my friends there so much, and I haven't been back since I left. So I'm so excited that Nicole and I are going there for an entire week starting tomorrow night!! Our flight leaves at 8pm, and I have so much to do to get ready before then. It's going to be so much fun to take a trip, just the two of us, to such a gorgeous city during such a lovely time of year. Girl's trip! I can't even think about how much I'm going to miss Zero, of course, but it'll be cute to think of him and Justin keeping each other company while we're gone. I bet they'll have fun too.
In honor of such an awesome event, I'm gonna take a little trip down memory lane.

God, I wish I still had those mugs.

LEGACY.

2011-05-08T18:08:00.006-04:00

I've been going through my photos to find ones of my mom to post in honor of Mother's Day. I thought maybe this day would just go by without me thinking about it, but that was silly of me to think. Anyway, I started to really get got by how many photos there are of my brothers and me together as kids. Real moments captured of us just playing together, having fun together, and loving each other. I told Justin, and he said, "You know, that's something I really credit Mom for- she always encouraged us to be friends." My mom had five brothers and three sisters, and she was really only close with two of her sisters, and even then, I think she felt distanced in many ways. I think that made her really sad, and I know she wanted her children to appreciate each other. Well, we do. And as much as our dad's death brought us together in ways we never would have been, it's clear to see in the photos before then that we were close already. My mom encouraged us to share with each other and be kind to one another. For all her failings with adults, she was great with kids, and I am so grateful to her for giving me such an amazing childhood and helping to create happy moments like these:

I JUST KNOW THAT SOMETHING GOOD IS GONNA HAPPEN.

2011-05-03T13:09:00.007-04:00

Nicole recently found Hounds of Love on cassette during a thrift store trip to Aurora. I've never been more jealous, seriously. Luckily I get to enjoy her finder's keepers since we live together. We have a tape player set up in the kitchen, and last Friday I had my first listen to the tape while I was cleaning. Everything was going great- I had it turned up loud, and I was singing along and loving every second of it. Then suddenly, during "The Big Sky" of all songs, I started to cry. I cried throughout the rest of the first side of the album, with a big finish of sobbing during "Cloudbusting" even as I tried to keep singing along. I'm not really sure I can even explain the feelings I experienced.
Hounds of Love was the first Kate Bush album I ever listened to, and I was 15 and a sophomore in high school. I was a real dork in those days. I was a straight-A student, very shy, really into musicals and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, super into love but completely inexperienced in it, and totally in my own world. I only had a few friends I hung out with back then. I spent most of my time alone or hanging out with my brothers. I first listened to Kate Bush because I knew she was a huge influence on Tori Amos. That's how big of a dork I was. As soon as I heard "Cloudbusting" I felt connected. I bought Hounds of Love on CD, and I listened to it constantly. I told my brothers that there was a special place in my head of rolling hills and meadows with a cottage and wild horses, and Kate Bush's music came out of the sky and the ground. Her music, and Hounds of Love especially, transported me there like magic.
Hounds of Love is just an incredible album. The way it makes me feel is unlike anything else I've ever heard. It's really heartbreaking and strange and dark and vulnerable and powerful. That's a lot to be feeling at once, and I guess that's why I cried. I pretty much almost always cry when I try to sing along to "Cloudbusting" though. Of course I think of my dad. I love how Kate Bush's dad is on so many tracks on the album. Her love for family is very apparent all throughout the tracks. I know that hits me very deeply too. Her lyrics have so much hope in them despite an often sinister world. I think she sees the beauty in dark things and light things and funny things all together. You know I'm down with that.
There are albums I still listen to that remind me of my brothers or my friends, the people who introduced me to them. Kate Bush is a reminder of a very real part of myself that I cherish deeply, a part of myself that I can't always express in the daily grind, a part that could easily get lost and probably does get lost inside a lot of people. I'm grateful I found it inside myself, and I definitely have Kate Bush to thank in part for that.

YOU RIDE. HONEY INSIDE.

2011-04-15T20:11:00.002-04:00

goals: film comedies and tragedies with the flashlight club, record a demo, stream a live show on the internet, take more psychedelics, alternate dressing between a minimalist and an eccentric, go for it constantly including chill times, praise catori inteus, read so many books, keep a new positive diary, build some muscle

TATTOOED EVERYTHING.

2011-04-10T23:11:00.004-04:00

My quest to collect albums I love on vinyl has made some real headway recently, thanks to help from Nicole and Justin!

Nicole gave me both Scott 4 and Warpaint just a few days after we watched Scott Walker: 30th Century Man and fell in love. A double treat! Then she bought two Black Sabbath albums a couple weeks ago (one for her and one for me), and luckily, she wanted Paranoid least, because it's the one I wanted most (of course- I am a Hysteria girl, after all), and she gave it to me! A friend indeed. To top it all off, Justin bought Ten for me yesterday after I kept talking and writing about how much I've been wanting to listen to it on vinyl lately. It's the double LP with Ten Redux, which apparently is just Ten minus the "90's sounding pop-metal reverb that was so huge in 1991!" Seriously, that's what it says on the sticker on the plastic sleeve. I haven't checked it out yet, but I'm interested. I love reverb, though, and I think the original album is perfect, so I'm in no rush to hear the new version. We listened to the first side of the original release last night, and it was beautiful. I can't tell you what a piece of magic those songs are for me, but I'll try. I really do immediately get transported to my grandmother's apartment by the Atlantic. I hear those songs, and I'm eleven years old, sitting on her balcony at night, reading Skeleton Crew, intermittently watching the waves crash on the shore, and it feels utterly perfect.
I'm so grateful to both Justin and Nicole for helping my vinyl collection grow. (Justin also bought Diamond Eyes for me the day it came out!) Giving vinyl to friends is a really special thing to do.

UGLY THINGS ARE COOL TOO.

2011-03-29T12:30:00.008-04:00

Lately I'm into super bright colors, messy rooms with decoration that only be described as trashy magical, and symbols.

I AM IN LOVE WITH CHLOE MORETZ.

2011-03-25T23:31:00.006-04:00

COLD WEATHER, YOU ARE THE JABBERWOCKY, AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU.

2011-03-25T20:01:00.010-04:00

Records I need stat:

Etsy favorites I want:

Other great ideas:
Visiting Brooklyn and driving to Montreal
The Arrival of Lions

TRANSCENDING.

2011-03-22T21:45:00.006-04:00

I'm learning transcendental meditation. Tomorrow is Day 3 of a five-day endeavor. I'm learning with a family- a mother, father, and their two sons- which is super interesting and special. I feel so strange to be this stranger (eloquent) involved in something that is probably very intimate for them, but at the same time, what we are doing is very unifying, so it doesn't feel uncomfortable. Even when their two year-old daughter was asking me questions during our lesson today. "What are you named?" "Charlotte." "Why?" I just laughed. Love it. Since learning and beginning to practice the technique, I have experienced moments of happiness unlike I have ever experienced before. I am so used to deciding what I think. Just letting my thoughts come and go while being aware is something usually only reserved for those moments right before I fall asleep. To do it purposefully is so interesting. The process itself and the effects of it are even very different to experience. I'm just so excited to be finally learning this after Nicole started getting into it through the David Lynch Foundation when we lived in Brooklyn. She learned how to do it while we lived there, and I'm really looking forward to meditating together. I already feel closer to her, more compassionate and less prone to stress. Today was full of irritations and frustrations, near-misses and derp moments, but I handled it in a new way. It's hard to accept change. Sometimes I think I'm better at accepting tragedy than triumph, too, just because I became acquainted with tragedy at so young an age, and because I've failed in so many ways so many times, and failure so innately involves a kind of introspection that I'm very comfortable with. But positive change can come very suddenly, too. And positive change makes you want to celebrate. But if you're so used to dealing with change very privately and quietly, almost somberly, then to celebrate sudden change can seem awkward. This is the first positive change I've experienced that has felt very comfortable to share. No secret anxiety. No hyper-self-consciousness. Just being me.

STILL.

2011-03-20T20:05:00.007-04:00

I took some screen grabs of The Diving Bell and the Butterfly and Neon Genesis Evangelion 1.11: You Are (Not) Alone.
I watched both within the past 24 hours, and I feel better for it.

VAMPIRE BLOOD MOON.

2011-03-20T14:11:00.006-04:00

I couldn't go see Evangelion 2.0 last night (lucky for me, the Music Box will be showing it again) because my body doesn't function properly anymore, so Zero stayed home with me, and we watched a documentary on Norwegian black metal that was very interesting while revealing how lame that scene is. I like the visuals of it, and I love dark and depressing, but to get so wrapped up in that one aspect of existence is a tailspin into douchebaggery. My time would have been better spent watching Eva 1.0 again. I'm hoping to take a bunch of screen shots from that one soon to share with you. In the meantime, check out this post on flickr for some incredible photos of the super moon.
And here's another super moon, the new Gibson Explorer Vampire Blood Moon. Yep.

SIMPLICITY.

2011-03-11T11:37:00.005-05:00

I would give up so many things if it meant having a home in the countryside.

I NEED YOU.

2011-03-10T23:31:00.002-05:00

"A natural stress reliever, Amethyst encourages and supports inner strength.
The strong healing energy of Amethyst can transmute lower vibrations to higher frequencies, transforming negative energy to love energy."

I am going to wear you around my neck, right by my heart, every day.

I FOLLOW YOU DEEP SEA BABY.

2011-03-03T11:19:00.004-05:00

Lykke Li - I Follow Rivers from The Line Of Best Fit on Vimeo.

Last night I swam in the Black Sea, and the water was actually black. I swam with people I don't know but who were my friends, and we were right next to a hulking cliff that jutted miles above us, a beautiful charcoal color. It was exhilarating. I felt a mixture of terror and tranquility that only great bodies of water can inspire.

META.

2011-02-06T15:16:00.007-05:00

Even though I'm super psyched to have finally scored a handful of fuzzy thrift store sweaters, I'm still dreaming of California. You know what, Chicago? I'll hand it to you for making my tolerance for cold such that temperatures in the 30s feel really nice to me now and for what I'm sure will be a love affair with the spring and summer like I've never experienced before in my life. I'm over my sadness with the snow and cold for those two reasons. I've learned my lessons well. Hope I live to tell.

Holy shit, Sean Penn looking so hot and Christopher Walken sporting a Ron Swanson 'stache, I need to see that movie STAT!!
I dream about California all the time lately. I think because some of the blogs I read are written by girls living there, and the weather is always warm, and it just looks so comfy and chill. I'm so excited for weather that inspires me to take a leisurely walk to the train, because right now I walk as briskly as I can through the sludge. It's not an enjoyable experience. But like I said, I appreciate the metamorphosis this allows. When I finally get to come out of my cold weather cocoon, it's going to be a real explosion. I'm going to dance all the way to the train. I'm going to have so much fun getting dressed every day. I don't even care anymore that the sun really hurts me in the summer time. I'll make friends with parasols and wide-brimmed hats.
In the meantime, I'll keep dressing like a combination of Liv Tyler in Empire Records and Kurt Cobain:

I tried to find a really good plaid skirt during my last thrift store hunt. I found one when I was 19 that I wore for the next three years, until I was safety pinning it closed because it was so worn out. Maybe I'm too old for these things now. Maybe short plaid skirts aren't really sophisticated enough for a gal in her late 20s. I'm not really sure. J/K! Wear whatever you want forever. I'll never be sophisticated. And yet I'll always be sophisticated. Take that, English language!

POUR YOUR MISERY DOWN ON ME.

2011-02-01T00:38:00.005-05:00

This performance is really something else! It's so energetic. You can tell just how much Shirley Manson loves singing this song. I would too. It's amazing.

Nice get at the end, youtube.

YOU KNOW I LIKE MY GIRLS A LITTLE BIT OLDER.

2011-01-29T23:48:00.005-05:00

I know my last post (I almost said entry, because hello, diary!) was intense, so I just want to ease the tension a little. Pain comes and goes in waves, you know. It helps me to express it. Otherwise it just eats away at my brain. I've been writing about my mom a lot in the past week, and it's been helping me a lot. What else helps me? Songs like this:

Josie's on a vacation far away. Come around and talk it over.

HONOR.

2011-01-29T16:49:00.004-05:00

All of this jewelry used to belong to or was given to me by my mom. I've had the ring on my middle finger since middle school, when I thought it was my dad's. Eventually I realized that it was far too small for him to have ever worn, and my mom told me it was hers. The ring on my thumb was a Christmas gift, though it might have been my birthday. It's an old Spanish coin. I think she just thought it was cool. It is. I love the gold setting that looks like branches. The pendant was given to me within a year of my mom's death. She started giving me random things in that last year, whenever I would see her. I wonder about the meaning of that. At the time, I didn't really think much of it, but of course now it seems to point toward what happened later.
The turquoise ring came to me this past Christmas. Lee found a box of jewelry we'd overlooked when going through my mom's house the week she died, and I looked through it a couple days after Christmas, giving some things to my nieces. This ring came with a turquoise necklace and a note, saying my dad had bought it for her on an Indian reservation in Arizona on their cross country trip, which they took in 1976. This is really silly and probably a little unbelievable, but I've actually wished to have a turquoise ring passed down to me from a member of my family. I couldn't believe it when I opened up the little pouch that held this one. It's a beautiful ring, but it's even better knowing the story behind it. It means so much more to me than anything I could have ever bought for myself. The magic of receiving it on the first Christmas after my mom died is not lost on me.
When we poured my mom's ashes into the sound, mysterious waves started crashing. Everything had been completely still until that point. As soon as her ashes touched the water, it started to go wild, and it was over in just a moment after the box was empty, back to the way the sound always is. How can I not think my mom's spirit was somehow speaking to us? I don't believe in Heaven. I don't believe my mom as she was on Earth is existing somewhere else now. The only life after death I believe in is the transfer of energy. I guess maybe that energy manifested in a very real way in that moment. I don't think my mom wanted to die- not really. Maybe sometimes she was depressed, but I think that was more from the abuse of chemicals and a lack of proper health care than anything else. I don't think she ever got over my dad's death, but I probably wouldn't have either if I was her.
I'm so much like my mom, and I only understand that now. Looking through her jewelry is a sad experience for me. All these beautiful objects representing stories I wish I could hear. I imagine her here with me, telling me about her life, and my heart just breaks. Because that's something I know she wanted so much when she was alive- for me to be interested in her, to want to spend more time with her, to listen to her with compassion instead of judgement. I didn't give that to her, because I couldn't get past the desire for her to be a mother more than anything else. Now I think of the human being she was, and I wish I could give her patience and compassion and a hug, but it is too late. I know I did the best I could while she was alive. I know that, but knowledge doesn't make anything hurt less. Nor does it make me wish any less that I could have been a better person in time to save her. Do I really think I could have saved her? Yes, I do. I wish I could honestly say I don't, but I can't lie to myself. Hers was a slow demise, and if I had been stronger, I could have helped her in time. My resources were spent, though, and my critical nature was at a peak. She had shown herself to be weak too many times, and I was over it. At the time, it made sense to feel that way. But death changes everything, and now I see how weak I was, too. Compassion takes more strength than most things. I know that now.
The jewelry is actually a very comforting thing and has taken on a very powerful energy for me, because it is physical, some piece of her I can still touch. Really, the more of it I wear, the stronger and calmer I feel, like a warrior who was too young to save her parents from evil forces but has grown greatly since then and is now a force for good. Failure is easier to accept when you can feel confident you won't fail in the same way again. And it's good to know I'll never forget the way I failed my mother, whether it was understandable at the time or not, because I can't afford to ever fail anyone I love as much ever again.

ETSY FAVORITES.

2011-01-27T00:42:00.002-05:00

I have been really feeling the love for etsy lately. You know how the weather's making me feel lately, and I've got some other things going on emotionally that are terrible, so it's really awesome to have something so fulfilling as Gets Galore on Etsy. I remember wanting to sell clothes online when I lived in Portland, and I sold a couple of things on ebay, but it really wasn't clicking for me. When Nicole and I first when to the Salvation Army here, we simultaneously realized that it was a real possibility for us to find awesome pieces to sell in a store. And while much of my creativity is being stifled by working full time, our store is helping to fill some of that void. We put a lot of time and effort into it, and it's so much fun and so rewarding. We've seen a lot of our pieces sold, and the community on etsy is so sweet. Buyers and sellers are super accomodating and understanding, and it's obvious that everyone's trying to be positive. I love browsing other shops, seeing all the amazing pieces and cute models. Here are some of the things I've added to our favorites:

I'm seriously considering getting that Fantasy Week unicorn shirt. Geez. I spend a lot of time lately daydreaming about how I'll be able to dress once warmer weather comes back. Any time I go outside since December, I'm just wearing my giant black Columbia parka and huge Sorel boots, my hair tucked into a scarf and covered up with a hat. It's so uninspiring. But when 30 degree weather feels like Spring, you know you're effed.
So I often imagine when I'll be able to just wear whatever outfit I want, with a jacket, with maybe no jacket at all, can you even imagine that?, with just a bag, and my hair blowing in the warm breeze... ugh, it's too much. I've never fantasized about the summer before- for real. Anyway, I can't wait to wear some magical tshirts and babydoll dresses and boots that I can actually run in (I had to run to the train twice today in my massive snow boots, and it was hilariously terrible). Soon. Just hang in there.

Soon you'll be able to let go, little kitten.

ICE COLD.

2011-01-21T20:01:00.004-05:00

Chicago is fucking cold. Meanwhile, your allergy to civilization is acting up, your head is too full of thoughts you don't need, and your heart craves a break from the subtle sorrows and trivial tussles of daily life. So go find some sweet silence to hide inside, Scorpio. Unfortunately, I have to work all the time, which is the opposite of the advice my horoscope is giving me, but I'm going to do my best to hibernate as fully as I can when I can, even if that means pretending I wasn't just out in the single-digit weather.
My head really is full of thoughts I don't need, like all the time. How much time can a person spend remembering the joyous days of her youth? Isn't that something that you're supposed to start on in your 60s and beyond? I'm really just doing my best to fast forward time so that I've squandered the last bits of my exploding star into a faint joke of what-was. I understand why- I'm in a terrible rut of work and vegging. The iceberg air makes everything feel like a horrible stabbing, and once I'm home, half of my time is spent just decompressing and trying to loosen up. My coils are tight as could be! I miss feeling splayed out and melty. I'm usually a big fan of winter, but this is just taking it way too far. Give me summer any day over this dry, stiff slap in the face. I'll take all of your unsightly underarm sweat marks over the millions of layers that can never be enough to make the frozen air bearable. I'm even romanticizing the oven that was our apartment in Brooklyn in the middle of July. I really just want to feel my blood flowing again.
Well, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, friends, and I know what that means right now. Time to get the crew together, and we'll start off with a little warm-up:

I just can not get enough of T-Boz's opener on this track.
"Yess. It's me again. And I'm back. Heheh, woo!" It's too good to be true. I just want to recreate it for everything I ever do, ever. The dancing in this video is pretty lazy, but the giant silk pajamas are a stroke of genius. Really, if we're going to seriously get our blood pumping for Dance Crew, we should start off strong:

Looks like this party is heading over to Gets Galore. Didn't see that one coming. Hallelujah!

PICK YOUR BATTLES.

2011-01-06T19:49:00.003-05:00

"In 1967, the U.S. had 31,225 nuclear warheads. But by 2010 it had a mere 5,113. The world's most militarized nation hopes to scale down to an even more modest 3,000 or so by 2021. In the coming year, Scorpio, I'd love to see you be inspired by that example to begin reducing your own levels of anger and combativeness. You don't have to do away entirely with your ability to fight everyone who doesn't agree with you and everything you don't like; just cut back some. I'm sure that'll still leave you with plenty of firepower."

Free Will Astrology, you always know what's up. I was just thinking about this a few days ago. Thinking about thought patterns and behavioral repetition. The way I always try so hard to figure out what's wrong. Humans have negative emotions, y'all, all of us. I'm not the only one. But some people are so good at just ignoring those parts of themselves in one way or another, while I will painstakingly analyze every bad thought in an effort to get to the root of the problem in hopes that I will then be able to overcome it. It's ultimately warrior-style, but it takes so much nerding and derping beforehand that I really never get to the warrior part. I'm just a hamster on a wheel, and I think in circles as though I will get somewhere with it, but I never do. Granted, there have been times I've pushed hard enough on the wheel to break it, but has that always been for the best? No, not always. So recently I was imagining a new approach- one where I simply dispel those thought patterns as soon as I notice them occurring. Am I getting annoyed by the same thing I've let myself be annoyed by for years, despite all of my time spent thinking so hard about why I'm annoyed? Then GOODBYE, everybody, I'm getting off that train/wheel/whatever. I'm just over it. I don't care why you do the shitty things you do. I think that this is partly because I know why. But knowing why dumb things are dumb doesn't suddenly make them smart, you feel me? It's time for me to accept everything and let it go. Thinking about negative things makes me feel negative, and I want to be positive. I want to feel good. I want to have fun and make beautiful things, and I want to look forward. So it's time to grow up again, and by grow up I mean get smart and LOVE.

2010 PHOTOS.

2011-01-05T00:46:00.004-05:00

FLASHLIGHT.

2010-12-31T00:41:00.007-05:00

2010 was so moody. For every beautiful moment, there was an opposing heartbreak. I kept finding myself surprised, and not just by life-changing events, but by the small things in the day-to-day. The day before I met my new nephew (born on the lunar eclipse winter solstice, that's what's up), I wondered how I'd make it through the holidays without crying a million tears. I'm sad my mom never got to live to see things get better. Life is proving to be more exquisite with every passing second. Sometimes it's unbearable. Humans are insane. I see things, and I learn what I don't want to be. Sometimes I learn what I do want to be, and that's what keeps me going. We all have our ways, and we all perceive ourselves and are perceived in ways that shape us so completely, yet we are so much more than any of our ego-filled dissections. What I wish for 2011 is to free myself to see myself as I truly am.

When I was 11, a girl from Minnesota moved in next door to me, and we became best friends. Within an extremely short time, I'd shed my thick Southern accent for a Minnesotan one. I talked just like my friend Susie, and I didn't even try. It just happened. I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I am extremely sensitive to the people around me. I pick up behaviors very quickly, and the slightest shift in emotion can overwhelmingly alter my own feelings. So I think it's important for me to have a stronger sense of self. I lose myself in others, and then I become who they think I am, and I start to believe it, too. I think this may be part of the reason why I need solitude so much. I have to reconnect with myself, I have to remember who I am. I want to be able to have that sense of self in anyone's company. I'm just not sure what that means yet, because, honestly, who I am is not something I want to define all the time. Sometimes it's fun to talk about ourselves like we're characters in a story, because we are, but oh man, we are so much more than that.

I see you. I see you, and you are just like me. We are all capable of the same things, we're all made of the same thing. Everything else is just a big mixed bag. For instance, reach inside me, and you'll find Christopher Pike and Stephen King and my grandmother's condo by the ocean and Pearl Jam and missing my dad, and you'll think that makes sense, that's pretty much me in the 5th grade, but deeper inside is the feeling that makes those things mean something, and you can have that feeling too.

Once I go down this road I start feeling like I don't know what I'm saying, because what I'm trying to say is just not easily said. It's really one of those things that goes without saying that I'm trying to say all the time. Because if we're defining me, then I'm one of those people always trying to get to the bottom of what's what. I think I do that because the surface is so fucking easy, and the stuff further in is so revelatory and inspiring. People often mistake my deep sea diving for searching for darkness. But the darkness is just there- I can't help that. What I'm searching for is this:

I know you got it in you, 'cause I got it in me.

THEY GET IT.

2010-12-08T21:03:00.004-05:00

First Christmas season without Mom. But we're pretty indestructible.

KRANKY KANG.

2010-12-02T18:31:00.003-05:00

I'm watching The Knife: Silent Shout: An Audio Visual Experience on Pitchfork TV. It's beautiful. Karin Dreijer Andersson has the most other-worldly voice. This music sounds like the soundtrack to Perdido Street Station, which I need to get back to reading. But first, I want to remind you of another world, one from a game I loved very dearly, Donkey Kong Country for SNES:

I used to wake up early before I had to go to school in the 6th grade just so I could play this game. It's called starting your day off right.

GIVING THANKS.

2010-11-25T17:16:00.001-05:00

WHAT A WOMAN.

2010-11-17T17:13:00.005-05:00

I want to share this short interview with Helena Bonham Carter. She talks about The Deathly Hallows, and there are a couple of spoilers! so skip to about one minute in if you want to avoid that. She talks about her clothes toward the end of the clip, and I just started to swoon over her. What awesome taste she has. I love to see people dress in ways that I know so many supposed fashion lovers would hate. I can hear all the criticisms (and straight-up insults) she'd get for her look in this video, but I think she looks PERFECT- fun and interesting and beautiful.

PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE TENSE.

2010-11-14T23:36:00.005-05:00

Trying to make cuts in my flickr photo stream. I cleared over 300 today, but I still have about 7500, so it's a bit overwhelming. And I'm reminded of so many beautiful moments. The photos taken with my camera during the first year I had it are iconic to me. I miss taking photos constantly, and I often wish I lived with a photographer who wanted to document everything. I love looking at photos so much. I have such an amazing collection of family photos, including some that belonged to my parents and their parents. I treasure them so much. I feel that way about many photos in my digital collection as well, but because it's so easy to take a lot of photos of the same thing and I tend to not take the time to edit, I end up with too many to remember. It's going to take a long time to edit now, though, so in the meantime, here are some from the beginning of my stream that I really love.

BONAFIDE.

2010-11-10T20:03:00.004-05:00

I made a new playlist at 8tracks, full of serious hits.
Put on your best headphones, paint your nails black, and turn it up.

LET'S BE SERIOUS HERE, FOLKS.

2010-11-10T14:19:00.008-05:00

I just favorited like seven Tori Amos videos. I guess it makes sense that if you're dressing like this

then you should be listening to/watching this

You know, I never really cared for her cover of Whole Lotta Love, but after watching this performance, I get it. She's doing her thing- her very crazy, intense, personal thing. Her cover of Thank You is one of my favorites ever. It's so beautiful.
And this performance of Bliss is a really great surprise. She looks like her old self. I wish that when she got older, her hair just became huger and more unruly and that she decided to go back to wearing incredibly high waisted pants and body suits. She can get them all where I work- even the suspenders!
I really love that I'm reconnecting with Tori after all this time.

US.

2010-11-03T13:35:00.004-04:00

Zero and I are celebrating our anniversary today! It's November 1st, but we always miss it, probably because my birthday and Halloween take all the glory, but also probably because we act like every day is our anniversary.

November 1, 2001 was the day Zero arrived in Boston to visit me for the first time- the day we jumped into being together forever. I still remember riding in the cab after picking him up. He had this vanilla lip balm that smelled so good (I know), and we were sharing it, just looking at each other and smiling. We spent the next week together, sharing music with each other and being teenagers in love, and we had the best time. And even with the hard times that happen in life, we've been having the best time ever since.

P.S. I just found out that Zero still has that lip balm!!!

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.

2010-10-31T14:12:00.005-04:00

Happy Halloween!! Marcus is here, and we're watching scary movies aaallll day. Wish I could eat candy still, but this old body can't really hang with it. How about some psychedelic treats instead? Get ready to be terrified!

My pumpkin is the one on the right. Nicole and Samantha did the other two. I hadn't carved pumpkins since I was a kid, so it really took me back. My dad was really into carving elaborate pumpkins- here are four for my brothers and me when we lived in Pulaski:

Watching The Crow last night also took me back. Brandon Lee, I love you forever.

GIRL, YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE.

2010-10-28T22:16:00.002-04:00

I am so happy.

NOTHING'S BEEN THE SAME.

2010-10-28T00:43:00.005-04:00

You guys, I used to love Tori Amos so much, you have no idea. Well, you probably have some idea if you were ever into her. The first album I heard was Under the Pink when I was 14, and it's still nearest and dearest to my heart. I had never heard anything like it. The album was actually my oldest brother's- I think he bought it because the God single was popular when he was buying a lot of CDs. As soon as that first track (Pretty Good Year) started to play, I was hooked. I grew up playing piano, and I always loved it, and the way she played it was so strange and exciting. I became totally obsessed. I bought her other two albums and watched all her videos on the internet- and this was before youtube or anything. Although not surprisingly, Tori Amos fans were all up in the interwebs, so I found plenty of fan pages full of videos and bootleg mp3s and photos. I had folders full of all that shit on my family's computer. I bought all her songbooks and learned how to play as many of her songs as I could, which was really practically all of them. I spent probably every afternoon of my sophomore year of high school playing her songs on the piano and singing them all by myself. What an awesome time in my life.
I loved From the Choirgirl Hotel, which was the first new album she came out with after I got into her, although it wasn't what I was expecting. I saw her play at Chrysler Hall on that tour, and it was amazing- the best of the many times I ended up seeing her afterwards. She and I fell out of touch after that, though. I just wasn't feeling her later albums, and I couldn't maintain that obsessive nature forever. But man, sometimes when I stumble upon one of her songs that I used to looooooooooooooove, it will give me the greatest of feelings. I wish I still had that old Compaq computer so I could look at all those amazing old photos and watch the videos that I actually downloaded before anyone cared about that kinda thing. I am so old!

I had this single, and it was so special to my heart. The Dakota Version of Hey Jupiter is so beautiful and haunting. It makes me feel like I'm in a secret garden. I could say so much about this love affair: all the little details that made it so perfect and still make it so perfect, but I'll just leave it at this for now. Tori, you may have gone down a road I wouldn't follow, but I love what you made once upon a time, and I'll love it forever.

IAN FRANCIS.

2010-10-05T11:52:00.003-04:00

Oh hey, I'm in love.

LITTLE LOVER'S SO POLITE.

2010-09-30T14:08:00.005-04:00

Today is October 1st. My favorite month begins like this:

Zero and I both got these headphones after selling our Korg 8-track. Worth it. They're so lush, and listening to music through headphones is one of my favorite things in life. Right now, I'm obsessed with this song:

I just never want that riff out of my head.

COOL COLD.

2010-09-16T18:45:00.000-04:00

The weather has gotten colder in Chicago, and I am so excited. But for someone who loves winter as much as I do, I always seem to be ill-prepared for it. I spent the first 11 years of my life in a town that had plenty of snow and ice storms, but I think spending almost the rest of my life living in very mild climates near the coast has rendered me totally inept. I can't count the number of times I've ventured out in the cold only to discover that I am dressed inappropriately in at least one way. This year, I am determined to be winter-ready, especially now that I live in a place where the winters are notorious for being brutal. I need a winter coat that is functional: warm and water-resistant, stopping at about mid-thigh, and preferably with a hood. I need to invest in many pairs of thick socks, and I need to start practicing to layer now. I think layering is truly vital, and it's a skill I just haven't developed at this point. And of course, I need waterproof boots. The shoes I have now will be hilarious in the snow.
Here are a couple sets I made on polyvore of dream winter outfits:

winter two by hilarity featuring leather shoes

winter one by hilarity featuring a striped tank

I WANT THE SOUND TO WASH OVER ME SO COMPLETELY THAT EVERYTHING ELSE JUST DISAPPEARS.

2010-09-14T12:08:00.004-04:00

You may remember this post. Well, it's here, and I played through it last night for the first time with a DD-6, Mastotron, and Stereo Reverb, and I was able to keep my signal reasonable but turn up the volume in my headphones so loud that I said to Zero, "It sounds like a wave crashing!" and then I started crying. Of course I felt silly for crying, but I just couldn't help it. I've never heard what I dream of creating until that moment. Thank you, creators of the JamHub, for making it possible. Now I believe I can make sounds to make me feel like I'm standing in between two skyscrapers, being destroyed by a tornado and a tidal wave, then just floating on the water as the sounds fade away!!

BLACK SWAN.

2010-09-09T12:24:00.000-04:00

So excited about this.

I MUST HAVE A SPHINX.

2010-09-09T01:17:00.002-04:00

Please make my dreams come true. They're incredible. Zero has always wanted one, and these videos are really making me share his passion completely.

NON, JE NE REGRETTE RIEN.

2010-09-04T19:37:00.003-04:00

Oh my god, La Vie En Rose. Oh my god, Edith Piaf. Oh my god, Marion Cotillard.
I could not believe this movie. The last fifteen minutes are some of the most powerful moments I've ever seen on film. I was just completely blown away. It was so intense. I cried many times throughout, but it was the last images and song that burned me so deeply that I was crying hard long after the movie ended, just totally shaken by how beautiful it was. I truly cherish reminders of how incredibly perfect humans can be with all of their weaknesses and strengths, and this portrayal of Edith Piaf is just so vibrant and full of depth and emotion and ultimately love- love for everything, even the greatest of tragedies, because they are all a part of our lives, our experience, and they all make us who we are, and most importantly, they allow us to transcend, to exist in a song or a kiss, to be in love and complete in our transience.

HEADPHONES.

2010-09-02T14:57:00.003-04:00

I'm sure it's because I just watched the Life episode about fish, but imagining this beautiful little machine as part of the band's underwater ecosystem is making me feel like crying.

MARIANA TRENCH.

2010-08-31T14:54:00.002-04:00

I also recently signed up for 8tracks, thanks to Hannah's recommendation, and I love it. I've made one mix so far, and you can listen to it here.

PRETTY DARK.

2010-08-31T14:13:00.003-04:00

I just had a wonderful time looking at photos like these on this incredible tumblr.

I WANT ALL OF THESE THINGS.

2010-08-29T21:47:00.008-04:00

-this silk draped dress

-this amazing wool wrap coat

-this giant gray top. (by the way, I love that the crucifix, such a horrifying symbol, is used in such a non-religious way here)

-this rodarte-inspired sweater

-these silk SHORTS(!) (I really want to pair them with the shirt below- i think that would look amazing)

-this lightweight, draped plaid button-down

-this asymmetrical silk sheer top

-these totally relaxed and cute trousers

-these super hot cut-out leggings (her whole outfit is killer)

All of these are from Nasty Gal. I looove their styling. My numerology report warned me against being materialistic, but I just love clothes. I love gear and photos and books too. I love things that can't really love me back. I know it's silly, but there is magic in these things. I used to treat my stuffed animals as though they had feelings, because I projected my own into them. I have some clothes now that were my mother's, and despite not being sure how to work them into my own style, I just can't see myself getting rid of them. The blue cashmere cardigan is one exception- I could wear that with everything. While we were driving from New York to North Carolina on the day that she died, I wished for a cashmere cardigan- seriously, I know it's ridiculous, but things get that way in tragic times, and I wished for that soft warm sweater to wrap myself up in- and I found it in her little house, and I can actually remember her wearing it a lot in the past year, and it's very sweet to wear it now and think of her. I love that about clothes. It really can be like wearing a memory. All the best clothes remind me of music or friends or movies or something that has meaning for me. But, yeah, if I had to, I would buy all of these items, because they are just awesome. And I would create new memories in them.

I LOVE THIS.

2010-08-28T13:38:00.008-04:00

On the heels of spending some time with my sadness, I decided to put together a small collection of things that are making me feel inspired and in love:

my slow but steady record collection, the shelves in our room to hold our special objects (those antlers belonged to my dad and are very symbolic to me), humpback whales and the people who love them, a portrait of my mom when she was four years old, nicole playing bass in one of my favorite corners of our home on a trunk that's been in my family since before i was born, the vox amp zero salvaged from someone who'd abused it to a point they thought was past return and now plays like a boss, this photo of alison mosshart and her style, icky jumping on my bed with his soccer ball when i'm working, my guitar always, burial

TAKE OUT THE TRASH.

2010-08-26T16:50:00.004-04:00

I need so much more zen in my life. I really don't think I'm exaggerating to say I've been depressed for the past week. The excitement of moving has worn off and the reality of starting over again has sunken in deep. But it is what it is, and how I deal with it is the best I've got right now. Unfortunately, my emotional sense of wellbeing is in great opposition to my intellect. Sometimes I think laziness might be my defining characteristic as a human being, but that's only when I'm feeling especially cynical about myself. I know people who, when confronted with their flaws, turn immediately to their ego to puff them back up with a list of amazing traits and accomplishments. I just can't do that. When I'm faced with my failures, I can't just ignore them or simply kick them aside, declaring them overcome. The only way I can grow in a real way is to understand how and why I've failed. And that's so hard. I wish I would just take the easy way out and get back to thinking I'm super awesome. I'm losing focus here. The point is that once I get into trying to understand why I fuck up, things get really dark. It doesn't help that I'm seeing so many parallels between myself and my mom. Her faults became too big for her to handle, and she fell beneath them. I'm terrified of going down that path, and the path is enticing me with neon arrows and sexy ladies right now. I'm not entirely foolish, but like I said, I am lazy. Sometimes I think I should turn to my ego, that hilarious cowboy, and let it convince me that I'm bigger and badder than anyone. I just hate that conceit, and it doesn't seem any less lazy than my current choice, so I'm back at square one, trying to overcome my past by thoroughly understanding it. Is this just as foolish as everything else? Answer: yes. I don't want to care about any of this. I don't want to care about what I've done or what I'm going to do. I just want to be doing the right thing right now. That's what I want. With a head so full of garbage, though, it's hard to be an open channel. But I've let go before, and I can do it again. I remember outer space, I remember snow, I remember trusting and not even realizing I was doing it because it was so implicit. It's possible to plan for the future by fulfilling the complete potential of the now.

I WANT IT BAD.

2010-08-25T19:37:00.004-04:00

What does it say about me that I'm seriously considering maxing out the last of my credit, despite there being no end in sight to my now four-week-long unemployment, for an effects pedal?

ANIMALS.

2010-08-22T00:29:00.004-04:00

Some glimpses of the bedspread we scored at the Salvation Army.
It's the softest thing, and it features three big cats. I am in love with it. Icky is too.

JOYRIDE.

2010-08-16T14:45:00.004-04:00

Making my tea in the microwave instead of with a kettle reminds me of my mom. It's so interesting to me that someone who drank so much tea all her life always opted for the microwave instead of getting a cute little kettle. She made eggs in the microwave, too, rather than in a pan on the stove.
I seem to expect to be able to just get over my mom's death. I guess since I already had one parent die, and I know I got over that eventually, but it still happened long ago enough that I don't remember sharply the terrible feelings that surely persisted in the months afterwards. I have school journals where I wrote about horses and horror movies most of the time, but every once in a while I missed my dad acutely. So I know it must have been similar to what's been happening to me since the middle of May. But it's still surprising me. I still feel caught off-guard when memories of her pour in after I wake in the morning. I'll be thinking about finding a job or some other mundane thing, when I'm interrupted by a thought of her.
Last night, I was reveling in the joy of getting to sleep beside Zero, what a lovely, comforting feeling it is, and my mind turned to my mom, and I thought about her sleeping alone for so many nights, and my happy moment turned sad.
I think I connected with my mom so deeply for a lot of reasons, the biggest being a kind of romantic sympathy I felt for her. I could never believe that she lost her husband at such a young age. I was always very sensitive to her loneliness. It was hard for me, even when she was alive, to think about her daily life in a positive way, because I knew how lonely she was- or at least I could imagine it with great clarity. I tried to cheer her up by keeping her up to date on what I was doing, by opening up to her as much as I could, especially once I was on my own. I knew it made her happy, but I also knew it would never be enough. I couldn't take care of her, spend my nights with her, make her feel like she was my favorite person, and that's what she wanted.
I think my mom was a very inspired person. She found meaning in seemingly insignificant things, and she was touched deeply by even slightly emotional displays. She was sensitive just like I am, but she did not have any outlet for it. She was always overwhelmed with feeling, and she always felt alone. She never felt that anyone really understood her or treated her the way she wanted to be treated. Perhaps there were fleeting moments of connection for her after my dad died, but she felt their impermanence even more intensely.
My mom was homecoming queen. She was an innocent (naive), kind, and earnest human being. But she couldn't handle tragedy. I could blame her Catholic upbringing and her abusive mother, and I wouldn't be wrong, but the fact is that my mom just gave up. When things got tough, she didn't ask for help. She couldn't bear to let anyone see her be anything less than joyful, so when some darkness inevitably slipped out, she was mortified, and she hid from the consequences. Nobody is perfect, but my mom (not-so) secretly felt like she should be. She joked about being old and making mistakes, but I know that she felt her regret very deeply. I wish she had been more honest and forgiving with herself and more honest with and forgiving of the people who loved her.
Of course, I think she might have made it if she'd never moved to Mississippi and started relying on certain terrible things to deal with the pain of living, because she certainly took a serious turn for the worse after that, but that's a tale of horror for another day.
There is all of this in my head, yes, but also I just miss my mom. I miss sharing news with her. She probably thought I didn't really care about sharing with her, but the truth is that I did. I miss hearing about some new cheesy song that she loved. I miss talking about movies with her. (She would have loved Inception.) I miss just knowing that she was there. I miss believing that she was going to get her shit together and that our relationship was going to improve. I miss that hope most of all, because now all I'm left with is the reality of what was and what will never be.

TELL YOUR HEART DON'T LET ME DIE.

2010-08-15T12:50:00.001-04:00

When she sings this on Twin Peaks, it's one of the most intense scenes ever.

YOU KEEP ME COMING HOME AGAIN.

2010-08-13T12:14:00.006-04:00

I got Rather Ripped new on vinyl yesterday for only $14 at an aawwwesome record store just ten minutes away. Listening to it now and looking at pictures of Sonic Youth, I learned that Blonde Redhead is releasing a new album in the fall!! That's gotta mean a tour, soon. They're perhaps my favorite live band ever, so incredibly mesmerizing. It's really inspiring to see bands I love continue to make music together.
What's less inspiring and more frustrating is reading through my journals from eight years ago. Did I want to make music my life back then? Yes. Have I succeeded? Not by my own standards. Why must I be so easily distracted? I give into comfort too easily. Sometimes I think that maybe my mind is so full of darkness that I choose candy just to escape and pretend everything is nice. I'm sure that's part of it. Unfortunately, when you let time pass around you while you watch someone else's stories unfold, you end up walking in circles. I've been here before. I don't want to get back here again. This time, I want to dance so far away that I can't even see the shores of this tiny island. Just ocean forever. And I want to be so fierce in my fight to stay fully conscious that nothing gets by me. I want to be aware of every little move. I've seen what oblivion really looks like, and it's so sad that it makes death seem kind by comparison. I don't want to fall in that trap. I want to keep my wits about me. I have to try.

YOU JUST KNOW. YOU JUST DO.

2010-08-09T17:05:00.004-04:00

Zero started work today in our new city. I miss him. It's been really special to be with him day in and day out since we got married. For a moment there, I considered staying in Brooklyn for an extra week to work. It would have meant that we'd be a far cry from the less than thirty dollars currently populating our checking account, but it would have also meant being apart from Zero for that entire week. And if you know me, you know that when it comes to the motivation of love versus the motivation of money, there's no contest. I would have been so sad to have just finally gotten married only to say goodbye as he traveled to our new home and I stayed behind. I made the right choice, even though it hurt my bank.

I love our apartment. The windows in the front room are large and let in a ton of light, and the ceiling fan keeps the air nice and cool. Right now, I'm sitting on the cute couch with Icky, listening to The XX on vinyl. Living in my chrysalis for a little while longer, making everything around me just so.

My mom is on my mind with great frequency. Last month was so busy and so full of anticipation that I suppose I didn't have the mental room to miss her as much. But as we've been unpacking and I see things that used to be hers, I am flooded with memories. My imagination is overactive, and it is also very dark, so I keep seeing her in her final days, and my heart might as well grow claws and tear its way through my guts. It just feels wrong that I wasn't there with her, because I desire tribe life so strongly. Because I wasn't there, it feels like some far away thing that happened. What fucks me up even more is that I wasn't completely surprised. Some part of me knew what she was allowing to happen. It haunts me. Sometimes I look at doorways and am sure a monster is around the corner.

And yet I have laughed more in the last week than I probably did in the last year. Exaggerating, of course. But I feel more myself. I feel things are finally genuinely looking up. Sure, I'm in debt and without a job, but if that's all I have to worry about, then I've definitely made it to the other side. My mom's demons may have killed her, but my brothers, sisters, and I have been slaying ours, and I believe in us.

New York and the past two years were perhaps a bit too real. I'm ready to reconnect with fantasy. Let me be enchanted.

UGH WHAT A BABE!

2010-08-07T12:50:00.000-04:00

FOREVER.

2010-08-04T14:31:00.004-04:00

It doesn't matter, because you'll be together.

THE FUSING OF TWO METALS WITH A HOT TORCH.

2010-07-21T21:04:00.005-04:00

The last couple of years have been so dark. So many failures, disappointments, and true tragedy and terror. Of course, there have been beautiful moments and triumphs and always so much love, so I'm not complaining. Just observing, because I am really looking forward to starting anew in Chicago.
I feel like I haven't really been myself since I lived in Portland. But I have grown significantly since then. I know how to take a hit. I don't grow armor, and I don't fall apart. It's vulnerable invincibility, and you'll just have to take my word for that. Of course, I have my moments, but I think they're mostly due to hormones than anything else, and I don't put much stock in them. I still have a long way to go, but I feel a break coming in the clouds, and I'm so looking forward to doing it all for the glory of love.
I have to push through these last days of being a nanny to twins while not being at my physical peak, but on the horizon are some truly romantic times! I'm ready to stop being such a terrible mess so much of the time. I'm ready to not have to be a warrior to get through the day. I'm ready to get back to my roots: being in love with everyone and everything.

INCEPTION.

2010-07-17T10:21:00.005-04:00

What an effing brilliant film. Brilliant like the stars, the ocean, and our beautiful, terrifying minds. Every single thing about it was perfect.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

2010-07-11T22:30:00.001-04:00

"For the foreseeable future, it's fine with God (and with Nature, too) if you put all your eggs in one basket -- as long as the basket is well-woven and beautiful to behold. You've also got cosmic permission to forget about all but one of the tempting targets in your field of vision -- as long as the bull's-eye you choose is very worthy of your sacred longing. To sum up, Scorpio, be single-mindedly focused almost to the point of manic obsession -- as long as you're reasonably sure that the object of your devotion is your personal version of the Holy Grail."
-free will astrology

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, etc. forever and ever x infinity.

SUMMER READING.

2010-07-03T18:15:00.004-04:00

the rest of Alan Moore's arc of Swamp Thing
Neuromancer (again)
Cupid (third time's the charm)
From Hell
Battle Angel Alita

YOU'RE SO COOL. YOU'RE SO COOL. YOU'RE SO COOL.

2010-06-28T20:26:00.005-04:00

Oh yes, I am watching Romeo + Juliet. Is there a cuter boy than Leonardo Dicaprio in his youth? Yes, his name is Zero.

I'm missing our days in Portland, especially since it's been a million degrees in Brooklyn for weeks now.
Remember this?

It was called All the Free Time in the Cutest Apartment with the Sweetest View. My current room looks through bars out onto the garbage cans and crowded street, and the living room has no windows so it becomes an oven. I'm working full time until the day we vacate, and that means going into the suffocating heat on a daily basis, which is completely against my nature. My Norwegian blood can't take it.
BUT that's all I got for complaints, because I've got it too good. Zero is the greatest, best, most beautiful boy in the entire world, and I love him forever. We spent the weekend alone together, and it felt like the beginning. It's always new with him. Every time I look at him, I remember every single moment. I want to be with him all the time. I'm really so happy that we had this weekend to honor our love, because it's so easy to get lost in the hustle of the day to day.

I loved the 90s. I used to listen to this soundtrack all the time. It was one of my favorite CDs. But I don't know if I can watch the rest of this movie, because it's so frustrating! I know they were just teenagers, but Romeo and Juliet were idiots. Chill out, guys! Also, it just doesn't make sense to update it. I don't believe for a second that two teenagers in love with access to a car would stay in town when they could just hightail it together. Romeo in 1996 would get a car and scoop his girl, and Juliet would run away rather than just sit in her dumb room like a little baby. Ugh, it's so upsetting.
You know what's a better romance than Romeo and Juliet? True Romance.

Despite having the disadvantage of a less stellar leading man, I'll take a happy ending over a tragic one any day. And Patricia Arquette is a fox!

APROPOS.

2010-06-15T13:02:00.001-04:00

VOID.

2010-06-12T18:00:00.002-04:00

Zero and I discovered the most terrifying ring ever on etsy last night:

It is called the Void ring, and you can buy it here. If you're so creepy! I mean, it's very obviously the ring that a serial killer would wear. It's brutal. Also awesome.

ALCHEMY.

2010-06-03T10:04:00.005-04:00

I'd love to get rid of everything I own save for what I can keep comfortably in a tiny, tiny room shared with Zero. If we ever acquire a larger space of our own than that, I'll do my part to fill it with rugs, pillows, framed photos, and musical instruments. I will also cram these things into a smaller space until then, and I'd like to keep my favorite clothes, records, books, jewels, movies, and mementos from family and friends, including but not limited to photo albums, music boxes, antlers and arrowheads, and letters. I won't be in this apartment anymore after July 31st, so it's time again to consolidate. Luckily, I love to do that. I love making lists of my favorite things, and I love the feeling of a concentrated collection of magical objects.

EXPLORE.

2010-06-03T09:24:00.004-04:00

Just a little under three years ago, Zero and I drove across the country from Chapel Hill, North Carolina to Portland, Oregon. It was so much fun, so peaceful and mystical and beautiful, and the summer months always inspire me to pack up and drive into the wild.

Sometimes I can't quite understand why I move around so much with little to no plan beyond that. And I never really thought of it this way until last night, but I think it's simply that I have the spirit of adventure. The Vikings are in my blood.

COULD YOU BE?

2010-06-02T20:30:00.000-04:00

He's the most beautiful person in the world.

JOSIE.

2010-06-01T22:46:00.005-04:00

I love that my mom's mouth turned down when she smiled sometimes, just like mine does.

I love that she held her hands very particularly yet unintentionally, just like I do.

I love that she was so excited to have a daughter.

Some of my favorite photos of her:

I wish I could have known her better, and I am so sorry that she got so lost.

Also, I would really love to relive this day:

THANK YOU.

2010-06-01T14:28:00.004-04:00

I just watched Into the Arms of Strangers: Stories of the Kindertransport, an Academy Award winning documentary about the lives of children who survived the Holocaust by escaping Germany on a train and being taken in by foster parents in Britain. Every single person interviewed was so articulate, so introspective and gentle. What really got me the most was how grateful they all were. It's something I strive for in my own life, and it's a perspective that I think benefits every single human. Some of us suffer very little, and some of us suffer so terribly it is hard to even imagine. Whatever fortune you do experience, though, you should be grateful for it. I've been missing my mom so much since she died. But I try to balance that pain and sadness by cherishing the memories of good times we shared and cherishing all the wonderful people who are still with me. I am extremely fortunate in so many ways. Of course, it is important to grieve, but to see the strength in others who have suffered far greater pain helps me to not get lost in my own. We all have that strength inside us. We all have compassion and peace and love, and I am so inspired by humanity when I see those qualities in the darkest of times.

If you don't think you'll watch the whole movie, here's a clip from the end:

BROKEN HEARTS.

2010-05-18T08:33:00.002-04:00

AND THAT'S NOT POLITE. IT WOULD MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

2010-05-15T13:44:00.008-04:00

There is no one like you and yet everyone is just like you. This is key to remembering. You are special, because of course you are. You're experiencing life through your body, and your body makes you feel like you are alone in a spacesuit. Your ears like certain sounds. Your eyes like certain sights. Just kidding, it's your brain making the decisions, but you know what I mean. You know what I mean because you are exactly like me. Our taste in entertainment, our little behavioral quirks, our chosen activities, our work, all our special choices made on a daily basis might seem, when put together through the view of each individual brain, to be a world in and of itself that only that brain inhabits. And that's true, for sure. But it's also ridiculous and shallow, and I like to remind myself of that when I start getting wrapped up in all the tricks my brain plays.

My brother Marcus recently turned me on to quantum entanglement: "It’s possible to link together two quantum particles — photons of light or atoms, for example — in a special way that makes them effectively two parts of the same entity. You can then separate them as far as you like, and a change in one is instantly reflected in the other." Lately, I see that in everyone and everything. (Because, well, duh.) One person is experiencing something in a certain way, and then I'll see a similar thing experienced in the exact same way by someone else in a different place. And it's happening over and over. I have fun thinking about what it could mean, but ultimately, I think it just means that we are all fingers on the same hand. Grant Morrison, I know you are crazy, but you also taught me something truly beautiful, and that is that we are not separate, really. We can start to feel that way when we get stuck in the shallow end, and that happens to everyone now and again (of course). I find that the people I admire most, the people I feel most connected to, are the people who are really aware of this. More than any jokes we share or even life experiences we have in common, real connection happens despite all of that. I'm talking about the holy moment.

The brain can do incredible, important things. I love brains (for dinner). But the brain also produces jealousy, alienation, and depression, just to name a few of its derps. It's really a dance to get past all those things and into what our minds are really all about, and I think that is real connection. I think that is love and compassion and awareness. I really do strive to be more compassionate, to be more aware, and to feel all the love that is there. I constantly stumble, though, and I see everyone around me stumble all the time too, but I think those stumbles can be a test in a way- a time to really use the power of your brain to overcome the bullshit and to find peace.

When we are younger, I think it's easier to have a holy moment, because we have less responsibilities and less stress than we do as we get older and have to think about finances and careers and health problems (not that some kids don't have those problems, no disrespect). I was able to make that connection a lot once upon a time, and it was so beautiful. But I do find it harder to do as I get older. That's why it's more important than ever to really strive for it. To catch ourselves when we start to get too comfortable in our private little worlds. This is why great art is so vital. It can pull you out of yourself and into the moment. No one who is constantly in his/her head can really ever be in the moment.

"I want to live for the moment," Zero said, not even a week ago, and I was probably like, "Derp" at the time, stumbling. Zero is so beautiful so much in part because he abandoned his ego long long ago. (Like a million years ago. He's an alien.) Of course, he is human (yeah, right), and he has to live in this world with so many other humans who are confused and caught up in stupid bullshit, and they create this experience too. And that's why it's important to remember the holy moment, the wordless connection that you are no different than me. I mean really, when it comes down to it, when we strip away all the top layers, what lies beneath is exactly the same. A corpse. I'm just kidding!! Sorry, just had to go there in the end. Get it? In the end?? We're all going to die. I love you.

Jungle James Toe.

2010-05-13T18:54:00.004-04:00

Celebrated Zero's birthday on Tuesday. He's the best person of all time.

This is what he looked like when we met. He was 16, and I was 17, and from that moment there has been no question in my mind that he is rare bird in the human world.
We celebrated Tuesday night with special friends, many of whom I hadn't seen in months, one I hadn't seen in years! It meant a lot that people went out of their way to be there for Zero, who definitely didn't decide to have a party until three hours before he wanted it to begin. We played music and watched The Life of Mammals and imbibed, and there was just a lot of positive energy. which of course makes sense because the night was all about the most unabashedly sincere and truly generous person I've ever known.
I found a necklace with like 15 tiny silver inverted crosses on etsy, but it didn't arrive until today. It's a very feminine necklace, and I'm not sure if he'll love it, but I think he will, because he always wants to wear my jewelry anyway.
Zero is a constant in my life when so many things are uncertain. I trust him completely, and I can count on him 100%. When I lament my broken career path, I often balance myself by celebrating the fact that I found love with the most perfect person for me when I was still a teenager. I always count that blessing.

I would go anywhere with this man. Wouldn't you?

MY FUTURE WIFE.

2010-05-03T20:15:00.001-04:00

DON'T WANNA TAKE IT SLOW. I WANNA TAKE YOU HOME.

2010-05-01T19:01:00.010-04:00

I am listening to Diamond Eyes on repeat, and I show no signs of stopping. I get so fixated. It can be a real problem, but it can also be so much fun, as is the case with this particular obsession. Every listen just brings me that much closer to the album and that much deeper in love. Heavy, dark, romantic. And I can't say enough just how amazing Chino's vocals are. I'm really not interested in listening to anything else right now (though Zero won't let me get away with it completely). That's how I usually do, though not always this intensely.

Got totally surprised while I was having a solo photo shoot, and it was hilarious. I was so deep in my private world that when Kyler and Alison walked in, I just about had a heart attack. It wasn't as bad as the time I was awoken from deep sleep by a fire alarm in a hotel in London, when I immediately jumped out of bed and hit all the electronic appliances in the room before I realized what was happening and shakily put my clothes on to go outside. But it had a similar vibe. I was definitely in a dream world.

OBSESSED.

2010-05-01T00:11:00.001-04:00

Ugh, this song is so beautiful.